I wrote this when i was really upset it comes straight from my heart so thats the reason it is so badly written and random.
I just wanted to write something. I have no clue why. Its good practice for the future. But i will probably just quit after a day like everthing i have ever done in my life. Todays events were horrible.i ruined my parents 20th anniversary. My dad wanted me to help with the new deck. So I went outside to help him out after about a half hour maybe a hour of weeding the under section of the deck. The job was useless he wanted to clear all grass and weeds from the bottom part of the deck so that only rocks were visible. I suggested we buy more rocks and lay them down over the weeded ground. I was instantly called a bitch.... fuck why am I writing about this shit. I dont care, all I know is I ruin everything acccording to them. My dad sayed go fuck yourself to me earlier and he also flipped me off and calls me “it” alot of the time. I really wanna be alot more like my brother because then my family will love me. But I just seem to screw things up. My mom litterally said that a divorce was a option. i really dont know what to do.
Anywho there has been a couple things constantly on my mind lately. One thing is I have a incredible erge to smoke weed. Another is I really want to take pictures. Just like my uncle I really would like to do that. I have also been really interested in this movie “the killing of john lennon” its all about the man who killed the ex-beatle john lennon. This guy has an obsession with the book the catcher and the rye. I really wanna read it now. I have read some things about it and its about a outcast in high school. I really feel that I could connect to the book aswell. I also read like something like 25 000 copies of the book are sold every year. So it should be a good read. I am currently reading scar tissue its about the lead singer of the red hot chilli peppers anthony kiedis. Its all about his drug use and its incredibly interesting to me. I almost want to live that life. But its unhealthy and wrong.Hes making it sound alot better then it actually is in his writing style.
I wanna write a book of some sort. Im gonna do that right now. This whole writing I am doing is just a way to vent maybe I will post it on blogger. Not to sure.
July 30
Just woke up its 11:28 and I had a couple weird but needed dreams I had one where I was at school or a place I can not really explain and my freind holly from back home came up and hugged me. We hugged for a long time and I started to cry. I woke up from my dream and I was crying.This kinda scared me but I really miss her. I miss everyone I am here alone and have no one to talk to and release my problems with. I havent had fun for over a week. Im living a kids night mare.
I dont want to leave my room because of my dad. I cant be shielded by my mom during the day. She is really my only protection during his reign of terror.I will probably end up walking upstairs and either be glared at, have orders yelled at me or be insulted. This isnt really the life I pictured when I learned was going to be moved to this hick town.
I continuesly see this one girl around town. She is so pretty and I really want to ge tthe nerve to walk up to her and say hi! But I just cant. I saw her driving with her mom today and she looked right at me. This was all while I was on a walk. I take strolls to calm down and get away from my family. I saw her and I saw were she lived. I already knew what kind of car she had, Its a red blazer. As I was finishing my walk it just so happened I passed by here house. We live on the same street. As I walked by I glanced at the house and it was her! Looking at me threw the window I had no clue what to do so I just kept walking. It was exciting to see her look back. I hope she didnt think I looked like a freak.
Im listening to neil young im loving his tunes lately.And hes canadian which makes it all the more better!
1 comments:
1st the girl... So do you want her to think you don't like her? Say something. It's not hard. Just a simple,"Hi."
Don't read the book. It may well be a great piece of literature, but why read something that is drawing you down the wrong road? You already have negative feelings around you. Do you need more? NO! You need positive feelings! Read Forest Gump instead.
You are at the age where kids want to experiment with things that are forbidden. Where will it get you? Drugs will not suddenly make your life perfect.
It's sad that your dad talks to you that way. Chances are his dad talked to him that way and that's all he knows. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. Don't let his temper problems affect your self-esteem. Why would you want to be like someone else? You are a worthwhile person.
Think about where you want to be in 5 years, or even 2 years. Now, how do you get there? I can guarantee that drugs will not help you become a journalist or a boxer. Any good athlete will want to take care of his body. Any good journalist will want to take care of his brain!
Of course I've got time to read your story.
Lily
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